Sometimes a thing catches your eye and fills you with such a sense of absurdity that you laugh out loud. Then your wife, sitting next to you on the couch, looks at you and seems about to ask what you’re cackling over but then lets out of muffled sigh instead as if to say “You know what? Nah…”
But my wife would never do that to me.
As we sit next to each other on the couch in our family room I just noticed a DVD case on its side under the TV with about 50 other DVD cases. Remember them? There was a world before streaming. This DVD says (in blazing, italicized letters no less) LAST CHANCE WORKOUT.
I’ve been doing so well with my fitness plan these past few months. First I did Insanity Max:30 where I stripped a whole lotta’ fat off my frame and found out I have no muscle. Now I’m doing BodyBeast where my aim is to bulk up and make some serious gains in mass. Yes, I know I did it backwards. I did it that way as a joke on my trainer. Duh. No, if I had been thinking clearly I would have done it the other way around. Apparently you bulk first and then shred. My trainer does both at the same time and he has telekenesis. Guy’s amazing. Sometimes he bulks in the morning and then shreds after lunch.
Just. Because. He. Can.
I got a lot out of the shredding part. I got pretty lean – down to a set of abs that were almost perceptible to the naked eye. In fact, it’s only because I know Im capable of doing that again pretty quickly that I don’t mind having almost completely lost them due to this bulk. This is the part where anyone who’s actually seen me in the past month says “No way, man, you’re looking amazing! Are you shred-bulking or bulk-shredding? Whatever it is, sign me up!” I’m eating a LOT of food these days. I’m also lifting heavier and heavier weights. My trainer ties 70 lb. dumbbells to his ankles when he does his 12 mi. run. That reminds me that I’ve been meaning to ask him if I should do a little running while I’m trying to bulk. He’d probably advise against it at least until I’ve been doing this long enough to know what’s what like, say, 18 years.
My point is that I’ve become very comfortable at this routine. That’s comfortable, not complacent. I enjoy what I’m doing and I enjoy seeing the results (not as quickly as I’d like but I’m the guy who stands in front of a microwave and yells HURRY UP!”). And I’ll also admit that over the years I’ve been frustrated with fitness. There have been times when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and would never figure it out. Not all of us were blessed to have gym access growing up on the streets of Compton. I don’t know who I’m talking about since I’m from Newark but you get the picture. Would I rather have figured this all out 20 years ago and been a stud with a full head of hair? Would I rather have had girls beating down my door? Would I rather have had a shot at achieving this goal earlier and getting it out of my way so I could legitimately cash in on my success and become a whale in my 30’s knowing I had already been jacked? What was my alternative? Oh yes, being me. OK, so it’s not that bad. But I’m comfortable with where I am with my fitness goals and progress here and now. The downer in me says I’ll probably never reach my true goals but I need to murder him. Bad downer. Bad.
So why write all this?
How much do you have to hate yourself to do a workout called Last Chance? I’m trying to picture anyone looking for a program. “Let’s see… There’s Insanity. Nah, too much cardio. There’s P90X. Nope, too many jumps. There’s Tae-Bo. Too urban. I guess I have no other options. Oh look! There’s a crazed woman on this box and she says it’s my last chance! I don’t know what it is but something in her eyes is forcing my to believe it. I’ll buy this DVD now because, having exhausted no other options, I realize I have no options left. Thank God I found this DVD before it was too late! What would have become of me?”
Yeah, that just happened.
My wife and I also watched a movie last night about aliens. It stars Amy Adams. I think it’s called Arrival. Not bad. The two aliens were called Abbot and Costello, no joke. Unfortunately they weren’t remotely funny.