My New Apnea Mask is Sooooo Sexy

I have sleep apnea.

There, I said it.  I feel like the heroic victim in a latter day pharmaceutical commercial.  “I have COPD and you don’t.”  Smug, arrogant, and still they have a mystical disease that I don’t have.  Damn.  By the end of the commercial I really want COPD and I don’t even know what it is!

A few months ago I started using an auto-CPAP machine.  It’s awesome except for one thing.  When I was offered a choice of masks by the medical salesman I went the opposite of practical.  I went fashionable.

I chose a mask style called, ready for this… nasal pillows.  I know.  I sounds wrong on so many levels.  Long story short, it was unbearable trying to wear this thing.  Have you ever tried to sleep after stuffing cotton balls up your nostrils and then shoving a vacuum hose down your throat?  I haven’t either but I think that might be a more pleasant alternative.

This afternoon I made a trip to the apnea store (there is such a thing) to try on the full-face mask option.  Behold my selection:

IMG_1006 IMG_1005

Look at us!  We are the pinnacle of apnea fashion!

Look at us! We are the pinnacle of apnea fashion!

I felt as though I had walked into a bizarre bridal shop except the brides were dudes and their veils were apnea masks.

In the end I had narrowed it down to these two.

You guessed it.  I went with the one on the head with the fuller head of hair.


2 responses to “My New Apnea Mask is Sooooo Sexy

  1. This is the best thing I’ve ever read 😂😂😂 my dad has a mask like that so when I go to see him I always have to make the star wars pun. Seriously though, I love the humor in this!

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