Sunday Funnies

Since moving to Texas we have been renting our house back East.  After almost three years we decided it was time to sell.  To our delight we received a full price offer after only six days on the market.  All that was left was to go through the motions of a home inspection and a closing.

Tonight I saw a copy of the inspection report.  I’m a little disappointed.  I won’t go into great detail; but one item really stood out.  OK, two things made me take notice.  I better stop before I go crazy with this.

Not our tub.  This one doesn't have any mildew.

Not our tub. This one doesn’t have any mildew.

There was a line in the section where they want us to take money off for things they’ll need to fix.  The line requested a reduction in the amount of $150.00 to repair the tub in the second floor bathroom.  So I compared that line with the actual inspection and found that the “problem” was “mildew in the corner of the tub…”  OK, first off, I saw the attached picture.  I didn’t look like mildew to me.  And who’s tub is ever spotless anyway?  That’s not the issue.  I wanted to write back my own report.

Let’s scratch out that entire line and replace it with the following…

$3.00: One (1) bottle of Clorox (or generic equivalent) to clean supposed mildew in tub.  Damage fixed, tub restored.  $147.00 saved.

Nice try, Inspector Dumbass.

Not our window.  I just thought it looked pretty.

Not our window. I just thought it looked pretty.

The other items?  Counterbalances in the windows that didn’t work or something.  Did they make this up?  You know?  How about this…  You’re better off not opening those windows anyway.  Case in point: we never once opened them.  That’s because of the glorious and well-functioning central air!  Come to think of it, it might be because we couldn’t open them either.  Oh well, if you have kids you won’t want them to be able to open them, right?  Whoops, my counterbalances were in working order and little Timmy fell 12 feet.  Since this is my story, he miraculously survived with only a bruised ego and a nasty case of jock itch.  He was naked and landed in sumac.  Nonetheless, do you want to have to go to the pharmacy and ask how to treat fungal infections and bruised egos?  Because I can tell you, they don’t sell it.  Also, the fact that little Timmy is a girl because you wanted a boy but ran out of Y chromosomes will make that case of jock itch even more incomprehensible.  Crew-cutted little girl/boy falling out a window…  And all for what?  Because you wanted your damn counterbalances.  You heartless bastard.

That last sentence doesn’t even merit an exclamation point because you’re so cold.  Speaking of which, did I mention that the AC is in perfect working condition

Photos courtesy Wikimedia Commons, public domain.

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One response to “Sunday Funnies

  1. romancingreilly

    Well, I’m glad the house didn’t have to sit on the market forever and ever.

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