I got into the habit over the past few days of writing posts before I go to bed and then scheduling them to post the following morning. I don’t know how much of a “habit” I can actually call this, truthfully, since I’ve only done it the past three nights. But I have to say that it takes some of the stress off of writing. If I get to the end of a day and don’t feel like writing, then I already know that I’ve posted something for that day.
No, lately I’ve been wondering not when to write but what to write.
Any of you my writing friends ever go through this? It’s not hard to imagine this happening as a lot of us tend to post at least five times a week. That’s a lot of topics covered. Oh well, let me try to share some thoughts tonight. Why not?
This week I’ve been particularly impressed with how mature my children (especially Sonny Boy) have become. From his violin practice to his schoolwork to his general attitude about life and his emerging sense of humor, he is showing himself quite the extraordinary young man. My Baby Girl, too, is honing her cuteness skills. She reminds me every day how much fun it is to have a little girl in your life.
Then I wonder sometimes lately why I decided to go for this degree I’m working on. The work hasn’t gotten any more difficult. But with the end in sight, all of a sudden I’m feeling like it’s not going to lead anywhere. I’m thinking it would have been better to take the four classes I initially needed. But who knows? I really just want it to be over. Perhaps then my evenings will return to being the time of day when I actually get to visit my kids in a meaningful way and not under the cloud of stress wondering what this professor is looking for and how I’m going to deliver it. So other than the $40K I’ll owe (online review of this particular MS/Ed. Admin. program forthcoming) I think June is looking mighty nice right now.
Oh… There is the looming spine surgery thing. At the moment it looks like I’ll be popping the pain pills for a while longer since my doctor isn’t taking me back in until next Friday. Another week like this. Do you know I’ve started using a cane? A cane?! I’m 36 years-old and I’m walking with a cane. Ever the style maven, I simply borrowed an awesome walking stick we gave my father-in-law a few years ago. It’s got an 8 ball on top and actually unscrews to reveal a dagger. Bizarre. My students have flipped over this thing. Apparently, I could get cooler. Again I wonder why I wasn’t this popular when I was younger. One of them asked why my father-in-law was willing to part with it. My response took him by surprise. “He hasn’t been upright in a while. That’s because he’s dead.” I think Marigold (my wife’s late father) would get a kick out of the adulation his cane is bringing. You were quite the fashion plate, Jim. But then I always thought that.
So perhaps I’ll get the surgery done in June. But do you know what? There’s a certain strain that this all puts on a person. I’m only going to say this once and then I’ll shut my mouth about it. And I’m not complaining. I have an awesome life. But when it comes down to it, this is hard! Wondering and worrying what kind of stress and tribulation this is going to put on the people you love sucks. Another few months of my wife having to deal with a crippled husband? Sucks. Wondering what it’s going to be like to still be a teacher next year after finishing another degree? Sucks. Yeah, I kind of want things done the way I want them done, right now. Instead I’m being asked to learn how to be patient and, most importantly, how to let go. God is asking me to let go of my pride, my strength, my plans for the future and just be meek, be weak, and see where He leads me.
This better be good.