Don’t Go There…

I just came to the realization that my blog will reach 1000 posts very soon!  I am so excited I feel like booking a trip to celebrate!  That brings me to the question of where…  Well, let’s see, I could go to the Fatherland (New Jersey, not Soviet Russia).  I could go to the Old Dominion (Virginia, that’s actually the state’s nickname).  You see, I have family and friends in both of those places.  But thanks to the help of the Daily Post and today’s daily prompt I know where I won’t be going!

Is there a place in the world you never want to visit? Where, and why not?

Cute...

Cute…

What an intriguing question.  The answer I spew will probably offend any number of people.  That’s not my bag.  So perhaps I’ll play it cryptic-like.  Yes, that’s it, I’ll code my answer so the people reading it will never know that I would rather watch re-runs of The Bionic Woman than visit their homeland!  It’s Arkansas.  There.  That was easy.

My wife has just informed me that my answer is neither cryptic nor is it accurate.  Apparently on one of our many pass-through’s of the Natural State I expressed my interest in the quaint charms of the landscape and people.  My exact words were: “So… Arkansas… Cute…”

Don't be fooled.  That's not water.  It's like chloroform or something.

Don’t be fooled. That’s not water. It’s like chloroform or something.

OK, let’s think this one through a little bit better.  Trying not to offend…  Trying to be coy…  It’s Neptune!  No, not the ever-lovely Jersey Shore community.  That one’s pretty.  I’m talking about the eighth planet from the sun.  It’s blue.  Not my favorite color.  It’s all tipped too far on its axis.  It’s…

What’s that, honey?  I’m supposed to keep it real?  Baby, you know I ALWAYS keep this shizzle rizzle.  What do you mean when did I become Vanilla Ice?  I’m channeling that character Seth Greene played in Can’t Hardly Wait, you know the real gangsta’ ghet-to badas…  Oh.  Oh I see.  He was supposed to be pathetic?  Are you sure about that?  And maybe I really actually DO want to go to Neptune one day.  You don’t e’en know.  Come up into my face throwin’ shade….  Made me so crazy I added a fourth period to that last ellipses.

Enough with the hidden meanings here.  I’ll just spell it out.  I don’t ever want to visit A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A!  Stop it!  Stop it, Mrs. Harvey. You stop trying to throw out the next line of my blog!  Too late!!!

Mrs. H: “It’s because you’re afraid you’ll fall off the bottom of the earth, we know…  Get a new line already!”

Man, she’s good.  Anyway, yes, I am afraid of several things the Land Down Under has to offer (or not offer).

  1. Reversed seasons
  2. Anti-gravity
  3. Shrimp
You'll fall of the earth but they do have Kylie Minogue...

You’ll fall of the earth but they do have Kylie Minogue…

On the first count, I could barely deal with the move to Texas from the Mid-Atlantic region.  Is there a person alive who thinks I could handle summer in winter?  I mean, it’s not like having pancakes for dinner.  This would be an everyday thing.  On the second count, I don’t care what anyone tells me, people DO fall off the earth in Australia.  They go hurtling out into space and float away forever.  My wife is mumbling something about not really caring anymore and going to bed.  On the third and final count, I don’t care if they’re on top of a Barbie doll — that just actually makes them sound more bizarre and freakish.  What is it now, honey?  Oh, that’s short for bar-b-que?  Well do they do a little dance on the “bar-b-que” or something?  Oh, they cook them there.  OK.  I don’t really care.  They’re shrimp.  I don’t trust them.

And that is why I am NEVER going to Australia!  Unless someone’s offering…

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3 responses to “Don’t Go There…

  1. Interesting, because if I could go anywhere it would be Australia. Guess your staying home when I take Ben and Rita!

  2. Just come to Virginia and I’ll find some Australians for you to talk to.

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