Today is the third Sunday of Advent. Traditionally we Catholics call this Guadete Sunday. Gaudete is the Latin for “Rejoice!”. Not only does that word appear prominently at the start of the entrance antiphon but also in the second reading (Phil. 4:4-7). We rejoice because our salvation is at hand. We rejoice because the end is in sight. We rejoice because today the priest and deacon wear pink instead of purple and that makes me and my kids chuckle. Pink. Hehe. Who thought this one up? Oh they technically call it “rose” as if that makes it sound more manly somehow. Because pink is for girls but rose is for men. Whatever. What it really means is that Christmas is only slightly more than a week away! Did I say rejoice? I meant to say PANIC!!! OMG, there’s still shopping to do, another tree to put up, cookies to eat and cocktails to down!!! Where did the time go?!?!?
So I propose a new Sunday for Advent.
I’ve just been informed by the bishops’ conference that I cannot do this so I’m going to suggest that we call the Monday after Gaudete Sunday by a new name. Here are my proposals.
Connivere Monday: From the Latin for “Wink! Dammit!” On this day all faithful and practicing Catholics should wink at one another as they pass each other by. The wink should be three times with the left eye and shall represent a secret code meaning “You almost got kicked out of church yesterday because you were laughing at the pink, too?!” To qualify for this feast day one must have attended 52 Sunday masses in the past year.
Adjuva Me, Jesu Monday: Help me, Jesus Monday. This feast is to be a celebration of the need for all Christian men and women to rely on the help of the Lord our God. Born out of the frustration of finding a parking space at the mall in the last week before Christmas; the practice shall be initiated wherein all practicing faithful shall strike their breasts (and possibly that of their passenger and/or passersby) while yelling “Help me, Jesus!” as often as possible today.
Hyacintho Lapidi Monday: The Latin for “sapphire” is quite plain so we went with “blue gemstone”. This is a day to celebrate the coming of Christ and the insanity of the pre-Christmas ritual by buying a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin and sharing one dram of it with the poor. The rest, tying in with the Hebrew feast of Purim, should be liberally consumed by the purchaser (after returning home from Christmas shopping).
Non Feriatum Monday: Basically, folks, this one says it all. As much as we want it to be, it’s non feriatum (not vacation) yet. This day should be observed with great solemnity. Rise early, go to mass, pray the rosary, give to the poor, kiss you wife and children, work diligently, and remember at least five times today that if you don’t finish those TPS reports (or final exams or whatever) you’ll get the joy of knowing what the term “permanent vacation” means. Trust me, it’s no holiday.