For my 400th post I’ve decided to go splashy, go bold, go party. Yay!
Wheeeeeee I am alive with pleasure!
Just moments ago I was browsing the Internet and came across an article on the normally reputable foxnews.com. The article, entitled “The Golden Ratio: Secret to a Perfect Body” proved just the right thing for the emotionally fragile and self-doubting me to read. It’s not as if I haven’t just wrapped a week of binge eating the world’s greatest assortment of fried foods at the State Fair of Texas or anything. Its also not like I ever obsess over my appearance. This article makes some interesting supposed-mathematical points about human physiology and perceptions of beauty. Let me re-present the best of them to you now.
… why do women want men to have broad shoulders? The answers to those questions are grounded in hard science. We view certain physical traits as desirable in members of each sex. An X-shaped physique for men implies virility and strength, just as an hourglass body on a woman suggests fertility.
I’ve always been partial to a cocktail glass shape in a woman, myself. And, really? An “X-shaped physique”? I’ve heard that men should have a “V-shaped physique”. I guess old St. Andrew, crucified on a cross-saltire must have been one hot hottie waiting for the sweet chariot to carry him home. Swing low, sweet char-i-ottttt… Oh, I’m sorry, where was I? I always get carried away by a good spiritual. Hold on, I’m getting another G&T. Ooh, maybe I should try for a “Q-shape”. No, wait, then I’d just look like Grimace.
OK, so what is the golden ratio, exactly? It is, in mathematical terms, a comparison of any two aspects that leads us to proportion them in the ideal way. Algebraically, if you have two numbers, A and B, it has to be such that (A + B) divided by A = A divided by B.
I either need a top-off or several pots of coffee to get this one. I never was very good at math but it seems to me that if I want to be sexy and, yes, sassy, perhaps I should not have to get into formulae and equations. Better yet, why can’t I achieve physical glory by saying that (C+A)4=2X, solve for X? Why is it always a matter of “A’s” and “B’s” which, as we all know, really stand for black and white? Going on…
In most cases, this is going to be a comparison result in a ratio of 1:1.618. This appears naturally all over your body. For example, if the length of the hand has the value of 1, then the combined length of hand and forearm has the approximate value of 1.618. Similarly, the proportion of upper arm to hand + forearm is in the same ratio of 1:618.
Measure your lower body and you’ll find the same: If the foot is 1, then the length of the foot + the shin is 1.618.
In my party-daze I just found a tape measure. Unfortunately, it’s a carpenter’s tape measure. After several “false starts” where it whipped back and snapped my forehead I realize that I cannot physically measure body parts. So I woke my 23 month-old daughter up to hold the tape while I measure. God, she’s a cranky thing at this hour. Last time I ask her to help.
Anyway, if my math is correct (which it clearly is not) my foot to torso is a 1:3.1416. Actually, I just threw pi in there because it’s all I remember from geomalgy. Algebra? I used to like to make a song of the word algebra because it ends in the word bra. Al-ge-BRAAAAAAA!!
Now, let’s say you’re a skinny guy looking to gain some muscle. If your waist measures 28 inches, then your goal for your shoulders should be just about 45.3 inches.
Two words, Adonis… Up yours. I would kill a panda bear with a blow dart to be a “skinny guy looking to gain some muscle”. Let’s see the flip side of that coin.
Alternatively, let’s say you’re on the bigger side and you want to drop some weight. Maybe your shoulders measure 54 inches around – quite a big guy, and certainly powerful looking – but your waist could use some help. In this case, all you need to do is drop enough weight to bring your waist measurement down to around 33.5, and your proportions will be immediately more attractive. That means, you don’t need to get “super lean” just to improve your body and improve your Adonis Index.
So all I gotta’ do is bulk up my chest and shoulders to unreal, GI Joe proportions? Awesome! I’ll get right on that. Tomorrow. After I go ice skating in hell. Now wait a minute, this probably isn’t that hard. Oh wait, I forgot the other part of that. I need to get my waist down to a 33.5. Now, is that a true 33.5 or a Gap and Old Navy 33.5 where they sell you a 33 that’s really a 36 so you feel happy ’bout yo’self. My Lord, I’m not just slurring my words; I’ve slipped into some kind of Uncle Remus dialect. This is actually kind of fun.
Determine your goal: fat loss or muscle building?
Both. And telekinesis.
If you’re trying to gain muscle, focus on developing your shoulders to be 1.618 times your waist measurement.
What part of “I don’t do math” did these people miss? Anyway, I thought we established way back in my very first post that, say it with me, I DO NOT HAVE SHOULDERS! None. It’s really quite sad. I was born with a condition called aclavicalosis. It’s only worsened with time. Common symptoms include inability to do math, alcoholism, delusions of great ability at writing, and inability to pull a plow. Furthermore, it means that I will never have that X, V, or W frame I’m apparently supposed to have.
This article has actually left me a bit sad. Fortunately I know that I can always hide behind my laptop and the people who read this blog really don’t care what I look like because they’re all good folks. So, to all of you I will raise another glass. You know, when I can get up off the floor long enough to pour another glass.
But what I wouldn’t give for that V.