Sleepless

It’s Saturday morning, just after midnight in fact.  I can’t sleep.

I’ve been trying to adjust to the new schedule.  I just returned to teaching after a summer on the road.  I’ve been up every morning before 6 and out the door before 7 not returning home until almost 5.  Traffic sucks these days.  Wait until the public school kids are back in session next week.

Today I came home to discover that my son had gone to his grandmother’s house and was going to have a sleepover.  Funny, he’s only gone for the evening but I miss him.

I’ve been on another diet challenge.  I had gained ten pounds over the summer.  On August 1st I weighed in at 196.  My goal is to hit 186.2 by the 22nd.  This morning I was below that by a few pounds.  I can’t see a difference; but then I never can.

My sweet daughter spent the evening playing on my iPad.  She’s too cute.  She’s also growing up too fast.  They both are.  And they’re all God gave me and I feel like it’s all going too fast.

Sometimes I have these moments where everything just gets a little hazy.

And then I can’t sleep.

And then I write.

Family Picture

You knew I couldn’t let that Love Your Gin Challenge go…

And I believe that now I have officially carried this too far.

Richard Strikes Again!

Last night I attempted something I have done a few times before.  Stick with me.  It has nothing to do with my infertility.

The toilet in our hallway bathroom had been “malfunctioning” over the past few months.  It was nothing major.  If you know anything about toilets and how they work; the flapper was closing too soon after the flush handle was released.  The tank was still filling but the bowl was not (at least not as much as it should be).  In fact, it was really more of an aesthetic thing.  As in: “My guests will think we’re uncivilized because the water in our toilet bowl isn’t as high as everyone else’s!”

OK, so I’ve changed toilet guts before.  I’m not what you’d call a Bob Vila.  I am what I would call “skilled enough”.  That means that from my dad I learned the basics.  I can change a light switch, fix a toilet, use a circular saw…  What I do best, though, is follow instructions.

Imagine my surprise last night when I got the new guts in place, turned on the water, and things went haywire.

It’s a messy job but it came with the mortgage…

Water was dripping at a steady stream from the bottom of the tank.  I tried my best to isolate the cause but it was a fool’s errand.  It was also late and I was tired.  I did what any of us would do.  I shut off the water, laid down some towels, and went to bed.

Went back to it this morning, fearful of having to call someone.  That would not only indicate my failure at a simple task but also earn me a strike against my man card.  I would never be able to tell anyone about this.  My trainer (remember him?) would laugh at me.  “You are weak and you can’t fix a toilet?  What kind of man are you?”  More on the trainer and my failures and successes on that front in an upcoming post.

So here’s what I did and this is also the point of the story…

I went into the bathroom and got down on my knees.  No, I wasn’t hungover.  Yes, I was praying.  I said a prayer.  I called upon my late brother Richard.  You might recall he died 8 months ago of pancreatic cancer.  Richard was the home repair guru.  He could do stuff like this with ease.  Surely he would help.  I was so worried that I had overtightened bolts and cracked the porcelain.  By the way, why do they cast toilets out of this delicate porcelain stuff anyway?  Wouldn’t a solid weld unibody design work better?  But I digress.

“Help me see what I’m missing here,” I asked him.

I sat back and noticed I was sitting on something.  Reaching behind me I pulled out a small package.  I want you to know that I REALLY follow instructions when I do a project.  Yet somehow I had missed this one and the corresponding piece.  It was an O ring.  Guess where it was supposed to be.  You got it, right over the opening where the water was leaking.

I disassembled a few things, slid the O ring in place, put it back together and the leak was gone.

Thanks, brother!  Now my guests won’t think we’re hillbillies.

The Infiltration OR Things Never to Put In One’s Eye

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I couldn’t find a picture of an eyeball in my files so here’s my son doing an impression of me without my glasses (from a few years ago).

I’ll start this ball rolling by stating that I am blind as a bat if bats didn’t use echolocation.  It all started when I was 10 years-old.  My eyes decided they didn’t like me anymore and that I needed to learn the meaning of myopia.  Here’s a hint.  Webster’s defines it as “humiliating slow death”.  When you’re a ten year-old boy and you suddenly can’t see the board at school and then you have to wear glasses…  Well, OK it wasn’t that bad.  I always had style so my glasses were pretty fashionable.  The real downside was that my condition meant my eyes would get worse for a long time before leveling off.  I’m that guy who can’t read the “E” at the top of the chart.

By the time I reached 25 I had grown less fearful of contact lenses and the associated touching of my eyeballs required to wear them.  And since then I’ve pretty much been a contacts guy, wearing my specs occasionally during the day and every single night.  I also have dry eyes.  Could it get any worse?  It just means that I cannot under any circumstances fall asleep or otherwise close my eyes for more than a minute with my contacts in place or they’ll adhere to my corneas.

Guess what happened two nights ago.

If you guessed that I fell asleep then you’re wrong and I’m just as baffled as you as to how I ended up with a corneal abrasion.  Trust me, I’ve done it before.  It’s no joke.  Painful as all get out and you have to use antibiotic drops for a week.

 “It’s really amazing how the eye functions.”

But something happened the other night because when I woke up yesterday morning I would have sworn I had pinkeye.  It was gross.  I decided to chance going to work.  You see, teachers really can’t miss the first few days.  It’s considered bad form or something.  I wasn’t too far off the mark either.  The left eye never turned red and the right eye, given some time, started to feel a little less like a knife was being shoved into it.

To be on the safe side and since it did still hurt a bit this morning, I called the doctor and went in after work.

It turns out that yours truly has not a corneal abrasion but a corneal infiltration.  When the doctor told me that I blanked out for a moment while envisioning a microscopic band of Goths with a  trebuchet advancing toward my eye.  It was funny so I laughed.  The doctor didn’t get it.

“How’d that happen?” I asked as he was writing out a script for the same antibiotic drops I already mentioned.  Apparently they’re multipurpose.

“Could be any number of things,” he responded.  “All I know is that something ‘got in there‘ that shouldn’t have been and this is how the eye reacts.  It’s really amazing how the eye functions,” he went on as if to justify his degree in optometry.

I could have cared less.  For in my mind I knew what it was that intruded in my ocular safe zone.

Have you ever had something really embarrassing happen to you that maybe you were the cause of but it was so funny you had to share it even though it meant you would bring ridicule upon yourself?  No?  OK, have you ever written a blog and needed a funny story?  Work with me people!

Last Thursday night our home’s plumbing system essentially exploded.  The ultimate cause, as we found out the next morning thanks to a $200 plumber visit, was a clogged sewer line.  But in the moment my wife and I had to deal with a lot of things happening all at once in our peaceful home.  Two toilets backed up simultaneously as well as a shower, the main AC unit, and the washer.  What a mess.  We got it cleaned up as best we could before sending the kids to Granny’s for the night, washing ourselves up, and settling into bed.

It’s that “washing ourselves up” part that plays a big role here.  You see, I stood at my sink, exhausted, disgusted from having just been in contact with raw sewage, and did I mention exhausted?  Yeah, I was tired as hell.  I took my contacts out after thoroughly washing my face and hands.  All was fine.  I placed the contact case on the counter (which I had bleached).  Took the right contact out, poured solution in.  Took the left contact.  As I attempted to place it in the case, I knocked the whole uncovered case off the sink.  The case hit the floor, the right contact hit the toilet.  It landed on the edge, not falling in.  OK, don’t even judge me.  I hate you right now.  You would have done the same.

Having run out of contacts, I knew I couldn’t afford to lose this pair.

Also I was tired as hell.  Haven’t you been paying attention?

I picked the contact up, washed it in solution in the palm of my hand, and placed it in the case.

All was right with the world.

And at that moment this afternoon in the doctor’s office when he said “something got in there…” I knew what that something was.

Oh dear Lord…  I think my eyeball came in contact with human shit.

I, of course, could never reveal this to the doctor – though I’m revealing it to the world right now.

“Wonder what it could’ve been, doc…” I said, trailing my voice off just enough to indicate that I might have actually known.

Look, I’m a dad. I’ve been puked on in the face. This, by comparison, is no big deal. 

I drove home a little sick to my stomach.  The past is done.  It cannot be undone.  I can never go back in time to a moment when my eyeball hadn’t touched minute traces of feces.

On my drive home, though, I thought of something.

At least I know the OCD germ-warriors in my life aren’t joking.  AND, I’ll have one hell of a story to tell.

The Olympics and Modern Education

Earlier this evening my daughter was watching the women’s gymnastics on the Olympics. 

A disxussion ensued about what goes into making it to the games. 

“So, Mommy,” she said to my wife. “You’re saying they don’t go to school because they’re practicing so much?”

“Well,” said my wife, sort of, but”-

“That settles it. I’m getting really good at gymnastics!” Said my daughter. 

I suppose that’s a mark of genius. 

Love Your Gin Challenge: Day 7

It is upon us…  The final day of the Love Your Gin Challenge!

I nominate all people who love gin and fun to keep this going!  I challenge you!  You can do it!

Here now, day 7:

Sapphire, I love you.  We’ve been through ups and downs.  We’ve shared a lot of memories and thanks to you I’ve lost a lot of those memories.  Every day is bright when you’re waiting for me at home.  You’re my friend, my partner.  Thanks for being there for me and for being so awesome!

Thanks to my kids for helping me film this.

Once again, I can tell that there will be people out there who’ll read this post and say: “Wow…  He carried this just a bit too far.”

But that’s me.

Whatever challenge awaits me in the future, Sapphire will be there by my side.

Love Your Gin Challenge: Day 6

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Me, Sapphire, and the music…  Sapphire has always supported my love of piano.  There are few things I like more than sitting down at the bench and playing Mozart.  Sapphire listens lovingly.  She lets me know in her own way how much she loves the sound emanating from my fingertips.  Sometimes I try to give her a lesson but she always pretends she can’t play both hands together.  I always feel like I play better when I’m with her.